Do we grow up to become our parents? Well, it's not destiny. We have choices all along the way. While we may be predisposed to adopt similar traits and habits as our parents, we have the power to keep the good, learn from the bad, and separate the rest.
Growing up you likely had at least one moment when your parent was harsh, overreacted or was careless and you thought "when I grow up, I will never speak to my kid this way." Only as an adult, you catch yourself doing the same thing. So what happened? Well it turns out that you're still guided by the same voices that once shaped your identity as a child.
The way your parents talked to you, is now your inner voice, so what do they sound like in your head?
An Inner Monologue
As children, we develop the ability to have an internal monologue, also known as "private speech." As we develop language skills, we start talking to ourselves to make sense of the world around us, and figure out how to label it. It is during these initial stages of contact with the world that we develop our understanding of the human connection as well.
Our primary years with our parents shape our attachment style, and love languages, determining ahead of time whether we know how to hold healthy relationships with boundaries, independent secure attachment, and equal loving power dynamics.
The words that parents speak to their children will become their inner monologue. They are their inner voice.
A Cheerleader Or A Bully?
Words carry weight, even to children. The words a parent chooses will create the tone and language of the inner monologue. The voice in the monologue can either sound like a cheerleader or a bully.
A parent who forgives quickly, who isn't overly harsh, who doesn't have a temper and that encourages their child to pursue their passion just as much as their grades will create a cheerleading voice in their child's head. On the other hand, a parent who believes in harsher parenting styles, always resorts to punishment, doesn't care to attend extracurricular activities, is easily upset, or neglectful will create a bully.
Sadly, even small brains internalize the voices of early experiences. The words that are spoken early on can't be taken back.
Constant Attempts Of Seeking Approval
While it's healthy to set high standards for a child, it's toxic to make them feel like their hard work is never good enough. A child shouldn't be afraid to come to you to admit failure in certain areas. A child should be encouraged to learn from their mistakes. The small wins should be celebrated just like the big ones.
Otherwise, they grow up waiting for a voice that finally tells them they're good enough while believing that they never could be. They will accept the love that they don't deserve and assume that that's all they're good enough for.
The Negative Self Talk
Think about it and ask yourself: "what is your own inner voice?" The reality is that coming from a generation that believed in harsh discipline rules, many of us now have a tendency to participate in negative self-talk.
We think that we're just pushing ourselves forward and thriving for the better but the truth is we simply don't accept ourselves at this moment right here, and have a hard time loving the person we become fully. If only we could lose those extra five pounds, or get that promotion, then maybe we would finally get to a place where we could be proud of ourselves.
That's just the voice of our primary caretaker growing up who despite their best intentions made us feel like we never quite made it.
Seperating Action From Character
It's important that parents chose their words carefully when reprimanding their children. Words should be chosen with intention. Instead of telling them that you're upset with them as a person, make the distinction that it is their action that is upsetting. Instead of telling them that they were being bad, explain to them that the misbehavior is what is actually bad.
The more you separate their actions from their being, the less likely they are to internalize it and assume that they are inherently bad.
Some parents have a lot on their plate and don't realize how observant their child is. Kids notice everything, they can tell when their parent is stressed and unable to handle their existence on top of it. They feel like a burden. This is how the voice develops that tells them that they're too much, too clingy, or too needy simply for having needs and feelings.
A child shouldn't feel like they need to take care of their own parent because if they do, they will never be able to unlearn it. They'll assume it's their sole purpose to take care of everyone else, forgetting to do the same for themselves along the way.
Blaming The Child
Children are just tiny humans who are still figuring out the world. They are more likely to make mistakes. While it may be frustrating to have to clean up a whole bag of torn-up sugar from a wet ground after a long day of work and chores, don't take out it on them. Accept that it could've happened to anyone.
Blaming the child will create a voice in their head that assumes that it's always their fault. They will take the blame for their narcissistic partners, and toxic bosses, and live in equal power dynamics because once upon a time you told them that it was their fault. Take a moment to avoid speaking in the heat of the moment.
Accepting And Expecting Love
A child should be at the prime of their self-confidence. Their innocence and zest for life should make them feel good about themselves. But this shouldn't just apply to children. Adults also need to believe in themselves and know that they are worthy of accepting healthy love.
Just because the voice in your head sometimes makes you feel like that kind of pure unconditional love and empowering success is just not meant for people like you doesn't mean it's right. You have the power to re-write the narrative and reframe your story to tell it with whatever voice sounds good to you and actually serves your needs.
Who Is In Your Head?
Remember that you're not stuck with the voice in your head. Find the source of your voice, whether it was your mom, dad, grandparent, or strict teacher, and talk it out of yourself. Become your own voice once again and use it to shape the children of tomorrow with a tender, loving, encouraging inner monologue.
In any relationship, always look at how you feel and ask yourself: does this person make you love yourself more? Do you want to grow old with them?
Love is more than just kisses and butterflies, it's much more than that. If you want to know more on what your birth chart reveals about how you love and what you need out of a partner, check out this personalized report based on date of birth.
For more great relationship advice and tips on how to attain the kind of love you deserve, watch this video from expert, Amy North: Click Here To Watch The Full Video.