This Simple “Test’ Can Help Identify Potentially Toxic Partners Early In A Relationship

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We don’t enter a relationship expecting it to ruin us. We don’t purposely turn a blind eye to red flags because we want to be hurt, and we don’t fall in love with someone we think will break our hearts. However, these are all risks we take when we make ourselves vulnerable to love.

Unfortunately, a lot of the time toxic and abusive partners don’t show their true colors right away and we find out once we’re already wrapped up in the relationship. That’s why it’s important to figure out a way to identify potentially toxic partners early on. This test is meant to do so even if the early warning signs aren’t obvious.

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They Seem Great Until They’re Not

Look at the women around you, as well as yourself. There’s usually at least one that ended up with a toxic partner. She’s smart, beautiful, kind, and generous but somehow ended up in a relationship that was hurting her.

Anastasiya Lobanovskaya / Pexels
Anastasiya Lobanovskaya / Pexels

The reality is a lot of the time in these situations, the men seem sweet and likeable to both their partners and their partners’ loved ones. They’re charming enough to give the impression that they wouldn’t ever be controlling or toxic, only to become exactly that behind closed doors.

Nobody Gets Into A Toxic Relationship Purposely

The thing is, no woman gets into a toxic relationship voluntarily. It’s never as simple as justifying a bad habit or purposely ignoring controlling behavior. Manipulative behavior takes many forms.

Shukhrat Umarov / Pexels
Shukhrat Umarov / Pexels

It can be destructive from the inside out without you realizing it until it takes full shape. Think of it as boiling cool water; even though the heat is increasing, you don’t realize how hot it actually is until it’s boiling.

It Happens Gradually

The other thing about toxic relationships is that they happen gradually. They start with small infractions like mean comments or jealous behavior. The partner apologizes and convinces you of a justification for their behavior, so out of pure intentions and love for them, you believe them. That’s when the water gets warmer.

close-up-photo-of-an-intimate-couple about to kiss, forehead to forehead

The problem is that the longer you stay, the harder it becomes to notice and walk away.

The “No” Test

So how can you identify these flags even when they happen subtly? A counselor came up with a simple test to help identify potential toxic partners early in a relationship. The counselor goes by the name of Rob Andrews and he’s a domestic violence counselor in Australia. He advises people to use w the “No Test” to identify potential red flags early on in a relationship.

Italo Melo / Pexels
Italo Melo / Pexels

“The No Test is basically to watch out for the way your partner responds the first time you change your mind or say no,” he explains.

Disappointment Vs Entitlement

The goal of the “No test” is to observe the partner’s reaction to saying “no” as a response. How they respond to not getting their way is very telling. “While expressing disappointment is OK, it’s not the same as being annoyed. Annoyed is ‘how dare you,’ a sign of ownership or entitlement, ” he says.

Cotton Bro / Pexels
Cotton Bro / Pexels

The partner will respond in two ways, either they will respect your stance even if it’s not what they want, or they’ll get upset. If they get upset they’re showing their true colors and projecting signs of ownership, entitlement, and control. It might start with a bad reaction to “no” and then increase to more toxic behavior.

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Removing Blame From Women And Making Detection Simple

While women are more likely to be victims of abusive relationships, they also often get blamed for getting involved in them. This test is meant to remove the blame from them: “A lot of the women who will present to services will see themselves as part of the problem,” Andrews said. “They’ll ask themselves why they’re always attracted to abusive men, blame themselves for not being assertive enough, blame themselves for pushing their partner’s buttons, causing their anger.”

woman pointing with blame
Alex Green / Pexels
Alex Green / Pexels

“With the No Test, we’re not trying to give women knowledge that they didn’t already know,” he said, “but when they see it in black and white in front of them like that, they realize they of course have the right to say no, that they aren’t to blame.”

It’s Not About Being “Assertive”

The goal is to not put the responsibility on the partner that is suffering from the toxic behavior. Especially in the case of women, it shouldn’t be their responsibility to stand up to the men who manipulate them and figure out a solution. It should be up to those men to not cause a problem in the first place.

close up of green eye in darkness
Peter Forster / Unsplash
Peter Forster / Unsplash

Andrews explains: “Being assertive with a man who’s threatening to bash you is not a very good idea,” he said. “It almost comes from what I’d call ‘deficit thinking,’ that somehow these women need to be trained up so that the people won’t abuse them. The only person who can stop the abuse is the person who is doing the abusing.”

He describes this issue as part of a patriarchal history.

Make Them Take Accountability

Andrews works with men who are struggling to take accountability for their behavior and to change. However he believes that it’s possible, it just has to come from them as they have to be willing to work towards that change.

man facing scenery
Karl Fredricson / Unsplash
Karl Fredricson / Unsplash

“I hear a lot of people saying how it’s so hard for men now, it’s all so confusing,” he said. “It’s very easy to be a man. Just be polite and respectful to people, it’s not that difficult really.” The added layer of dealing with toxic behavior in a relationship doesn’t have to be as long as both partners can commit to their own growth and recognize where their flaws lay.

It’s Okay To Walk Away

If you find yourself in a toxic or abusive relationship now, it’s not too late for you. You can walk away at any point. Do’t blame yourself for missing the sigs because they’re often rooted in years of conditioning. The problem isnn’t you, it’s them. To figure ut when to walk away, ask yourself this:

RODNAE Productions / pEXELS
RODNAE Productions / pEXELS

In any relationship, always look at how you feel and ask yourself: does this person make you love yourself more? Do you want to grow old with them?

Love is more than just kisses and butterflies, it’s much more than that. If you want to know more on what your birth chart reveals about how you love and what you need out of a partner, check out this personalized report based on date of birth.

For more great relationship advice and tips on how to attain the kind of love you deserve, watch this video from expert, Amy North: Click Here To Watch The Full Video.

Aria Misty

Aria Misty is a recent university grad. She did her undergrad in media, information & technoculture with a Master in Journalism & Communications in 2018.

Aria has a particular interest in all things astrology and spirituality. This is driven by her desire to create healing. In fact, Aria went back to school for A master’s in counseling p[…]